Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
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Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”