I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
no!! no!!!!!!
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago