I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
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As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper