If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?