[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
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Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no