You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.