Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
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Wasps: bees, but not helping
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE