I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
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If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Tremendous stuff
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Ok but actually
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?