Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
You are not alone 💚
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…