If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
You Might Also Like
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits