[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
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*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
this has done me in for some reason
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Britain be like
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.