Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Spa day..😅
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud