I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
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Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No