The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006