IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
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[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim