I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
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Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors