Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
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*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.