Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.