Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
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I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way