i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
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Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
superman landing like a plane on his belly
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys