I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
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Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy