An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
You Might Also Like
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”