Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
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I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My life in a nutshell
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Just me and my debit card against the world
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*