ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.