Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
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Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing