Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
#oldknees
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner