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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself