normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
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wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Hot hot hot 🥵
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I’m not lazy
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk