[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are