If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
When someone trying to leave me
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
😂😂😂