[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
You Might Also Like
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What鈥檚 HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
As an adult you should already know shit like if you鈥檙e standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you鈥檙e standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn鈥檛 believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn鈥檛 realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
so weird how every mom was born today
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 馃挜
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don鈥檛 think my toilets can taste the difference.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she鈥檇 be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU鈥橰E a child!
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?