I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
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[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
🛁
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
I am all good here, 😂😉
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
A drum solo but on your face.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside