I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
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When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”