My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker