car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
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I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
😍😂🥰😂😍
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok