me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
That de-escalated quickly
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together