Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
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*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.