Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
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Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
*3.5 thank you very much.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My work here is don’t.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.