What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.