I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
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my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Who needs an Air Fryer?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.