I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.