[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
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My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.