GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
the simulation is moving too fast
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
This kinda thing happens to me often
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days