you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
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Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
my nickname in college
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
bugs when you lift up a rock
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to