[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
You Might Also Like
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Bit chilly again tonight.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.