This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing