[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
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Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.