I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
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Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
the answer was staring at me all along
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?