The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
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idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*weighs self after shaving
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.