About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
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can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
#MeanwhileInCanada
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.